Just breathe...

"Just Breathe..." as adopted from one of my mom's favorite movies, "Ever After."

We're half way there, and it's quite hard to believe. Hard to believe our time here is half gone, and hard to believe we've gotten to spend that much time here.

These past couple weeks have been really hard on me in every way. I got really sick around Valentine's Day and had to miss a day of school. Then I started into my silly LAMP project, which introduces about as much unneeded stress as any person needs. Additionally, I gained my full load, and I have been teaching two sections of PreCalculus, two sections of Algebra II, and one section of Geometry.

It's really been killing me that we don't have a car or means to get around. I feel like I can't physically get everything done that I need to at school, and even when I try to do what I can at home, there just aren't enough hours in the day. It's unfortunate that we can't stay late or come in early one day to work on things. Since I spend all my time at school, I don't have time to go to the grocery to buy food to keep me alive, nor do I have time to workout. I think that's why I got sick because my body is just in such a funk, and I couldn't get any sleep or exercise to feel better.

In the midst of all this business is having to deal with kids, parents, lessons, not leaving any time for myself. The main thing I want my brainpower to go toward right now is remembering mom, and I get so angry at the world when I don't have time to do just that. I think I have cried at least twice a day for the past two weeks because I don't have time to sit down and just think about mom.

I was talking to Andrea the other night. (By the way, she is very good to talk to because she's a great listener.) She told me about a conversation she had with one of her teachers the other day about my family situation. Andrea was saying how she didn't know what to say or do because she can't relate, so her teacher, who lost her father as a young adult, tried to give her some insight. The words that Andrea relayed rang so true. Her teacher said that it's this thing you carry with you every day, that no one but you sees. It causes a physical pain every minute of every day that no one can understand or feel. Your whole world is shaken. Nothing is ever the same, even the smallest tasks like tying your shoes don't feel the same. The world expects you to walk around with a smile all the time, when that above all is the hardest thing to put on and the last thing you want to.

It's especially hard when I just need some time to myself, and I can't get it. We're around people all day, go home, still around people. The only time I feel that I can cry is in my bed when I go to sleep. Things are very hard right now, and I hope to goodness they get better soon. Sometimes, life is just a numb lull, and I hope to rise out of it soon.