Random musings, mutterings, and delusions of a mad hiker: II

I have found a sense of internal peace here that I haven’t had in almost a year and a half, dating back to the time I was hiking the AT. I have been racking my brain trying to find the connection between these two, very different, but significant events in my life. I thought that if I tried to write it out I might be able to express these mostly confused series of thoughts. Thus this is a warning to those hoping to read about monkeys throwing feces, hippo encounters, and/or nights of drunken revelry.

The past year has been one of the craziest and most eventful of my life, and in retrospect, I see that I have become a very different than who I was (some for the better, some for the worse.) But I found that in the past few months I had started to feel uneasy all the time, and perpetually stressed about a multitude of things that now seem far or insignificant in the grand scheme of things. I was irritable, I didn’t sleep well and I think I may have alienated some people I am really close to. For that I am sorry. But I wasn’t able to identify why I had these feelings and I think that is what troubled me the most. I like to think that I am able to sit back and dissect and analyze my life and learn from my mistakes in the past, but I now find that in recent months, I had become lazy and kept putting off introspection for other times. As a result, I notice that I kept making the same mistakes over and over again, in different situations of course, but similar mistakes nonetheless. Part of this laziness I attribute to the fact that I stopped challenging myself. I had fallen into a routine, and developed a comfort zone and refused to remove myself from that for more than a short bit of time. In that, I no longer had to rely on my instincts, becoming a passive agent, being carried through this period of time. I could rely on my family and friends to be there for me all the time and I may have taken that for granted and stopped relying on myself to carry through life. I appreciate that you all have been there for me and I thank you for sticking by me, but I realize that I can’t become dependent on the fact that you are all there for me. I allowed my life to become one of drastic excesses (studying and going out) when I used to pride myself on my ability to balance. Now that I am here, I find that I no longer have this buffer, this comfort zone, this crutch I let myself always lean on. I have to go out and often face reality often alone. And I’m surviving, just like I did on the AT. In an environment in which I knew no one and am susceptible to the whims of the world around me, I am doing well, forging friendships, albeit brief ones in some circumstances. I am exploring unknown surroundings, both social and environmental, trying to find my place here. Every day is a challenge, constantly throwing new stimuli at me, forcing me to adapt and grow. As a result I find that I spend a great deal of time alone with my thoughts, analyzing the tests I am faced with. (don’t worry guys: I’m still loud and annoying and go out drinking with the people here, dancing and singing badly as usual) but I find that now I have a sense of control over my destiny (it may be illusory but at least I have that sense,) actively living my life rather than passively floating through like I feel I have been doing for too long. Funny considering that I am constantly thinking of the movie Instinct while I am here. In the movie, the main character’s explains that it is this illusion of control that keeps us all tied in knots and that internal peace comes from letting go of this illusion and appreciating life for what it has to offer without trying to control everything. Hmmm Anyways I am just happy I was able to get this all down. I will probably read this tomorrow and wonder what hallucinogenic drug they have put in our water. Now I am just rambling too much. I blame this crazy rant on the Lariam (malaria med – see first entry)…I am not actually insane….or am I? Hehehe :p

Amani my friends.

For those who had the patience to read all this: Drunk Hippos and monkeys! Now I will let you go with that image. Oh how I can’t wait to meet a hippo. See y’all later. I seriously think I am insane. Muhahahahahaha