"I'm making a porn film - it's based on Peter Pan. Which is me."

Supermanning the Ring of Fire. It's not the name of a porno
see all photos »

Rested, and now looking forward to more parties and beaches, the four of us were upbeat across the day's journey: A taxi to the ferry from Samui to Surrathani on the mainland, a bus from there, south-west to Krabi and another ferry to take us to Koh Phi Phi. The views coming into port, once again, stunning.

Having almost no motor vehicles and definitely no roads I was looking forward to being away from stifling diesel fumes, but like the smoking ban in clubs you smell the place for what it really is. So in a way Phi Phi's tourist village was like a big Broadway, but less ugly slags and more 50-year-old paedos.

The nurse injected the first needle into the sole of my foot. Shouting and swearing as the most intense pain shot across my foot, I set the already upset girl into full blown hysteria.

Still loving the tunes
see all photos »

Mostly though, it was stunning limestone formations rising out of the sea caked in jungle. The film 'The Beach' was filmed on the south island and it really is as amazing as it looks. Accosted at the pier by accomodation touts we soon found a reasonable room, after cutting through the now standard 20 minutes of bullshit. Daily realities set in as we wondered how we'd get our stuff to our hostel since there were no vehicles. Happily, the answer was provided by an unlucky Thai bloke who had to cart all our baggage and a whole load more in a glorified wheelbarrow up the steep paths. Our room was great: comfy beds, towels, air-conditioning, nice bathroom, TV and just a short walk from the seafront.

Catching Selks' Superman at the Ideal Moment
see all photos »

After spending a couple of nights we booked a 'sleep on the beach' tour to Maya Bay on the south island. This would be one of the best nights I'd had away.

Leaving at 3pm with 50 or so other people, we snorkelled and kayaked around some of the incredible bays on the south island. Getting to Maya Bay itself was the real challenge. The boat dropped anchor in the middle of a passageway between the vast limestone mountains; about 50 metres away a ladder rose out of the water leading to a narrow path. The crew then handed out black bin bags and told us to put our belongings in to stop them getting wet. Everyone looking worried, we thought we'd have to carry our bags as we swam to the ladder, especially since many of us had expensive cameras or iPods. Thankfully, a longtail boat pulled up alongside and took our bags the other way round into the bay. It was only ourselves we had to carry, but fighting against the strong current, negotiating the sharp rocks and trying not to get smashed against the limestone as the waves rolled in with the tide, didn't make it easy. I thought it was hilarious, and so did most of the other lads on trip. It made me think how restrictive it is back home with all the health and safety rules, and how tame even 'dangerous' activities actually are, with the constant threat of being sued. It was exciting to be in full charge of my own safety, the genuine danger firing adrenalin round my body. Successfully negotiating the swim and ladder climb with only a couple of bruises we walked round to the bay. Suffice to say it was pretty amazing. We were fed, and shown to a matted area to sit and drink. The Thai guys on the trip had guitars and after discovering a couple of us could play, we begun to hammer out the classics: Wonderwall, Be Like That, Wherever You May Go. The core vocals delivered by us and the five lads we'd been chatting with, backed up by the other 40-odd people dropping in and out as they remembered and forgot the lyrics. Needless to say, we all got wasted and we continued singing and laughing well past 4am on the beach. Meanwhile, Gina 'I love to party' Haywood got battered as usual, but put in the special effort and tipped over the edge in hopeless territory. Staggering off to the toilet, we noticed after 20 minutes she hadn't come back. All of us too drunk to properly register this might actually be life-threatening, as the bay was pitch-black, rocky and wet. Somehow even Louise and Natalie couldn't be persuaded to look for her. Having been in this position many a time even since the start of the holiday, I think experience had taught us she could probably look after herself. Sliding into our sleeping bags we crashed on the beach and dropped off.

The Yorkshire Male Chorus: Selks, Bish, Alex and Marc
see all photos »

Awakened by the shouts of the poor bastards who'd slept too close to the water we brushed the sand off the best we could and went to see if Gina was at breakfast. She wasn't and we really started to wonder where she was. After a little while, we found her. It turned out she'd been a bit ill and had fallen asleep in a cave too close to the water. The Thai guys had carried her up the beach and given her a sleeping bag. Hanging badly, we had to cope with the swim back to the boat and the forty minute trip back to north island. The first 10 minutes were sat in silence as we all struggled in the 35 degree heat with no water and lots of sideways motion. Spirits were still high and we'd made good friends for the coming night.

Sunset on Maya Bay
see all photos »

Throughout our stay on Phi Phi we'd had the semi-fortune of meeting 'Peter Pan'. Hard to miss, dressed entirely in a single colour, depending on the day, the outfit came with loose trousers, vest, sunglasses and headband. He claimed to be the owner of Carpe Diem, one of the beachside restaurants and was an interesting, if not, strange character. He said he'd been on holiday when the tsunami hit in 2004 and had stayed to help clear up. This much seemed to be true as we flicked through photos of the graphic devastation. Unashamedly claiming to hail from Neverland (Netherlands - of course he's Dutch: standard), he explained to us he was making a film about Peter Pan that included an extended sex scene. Still looking for his 'Wendy', he didn't make it a secret that Gina would be perfect. Although Gina can certainly handle herself, by the fourth day of his advances it was getting difficult to say no and still be polite. However, initially her flirting had worked as he took us round some of the nicest beaches on the island and laid on pancakes and buckets. Later though his claims began to unravel: "I take you guys to Maya Bay on my speedboat!", he declared, pointing to a boat off shore. 10 minutes later he'd 'found' too many people to fit, so we all 'unfortunately' had to pay for a longtail boat. Then the next day, we had crap service and an argument with the manager at 'his' restaurant. When we spoke to him in the evening he was obviously drunk, and we told him about the experience. "Yesh, the owner needs to improve this place". Things didn't add up, and we all thought he was a dick. Well, I did anyway.

Drunk?
see all photos »

That night we met up with the boys from the previous night: Marc, Selks, Bish and Andy who had met up with friends from back home in Yorkshire, a group of three girls and a couple of lads. The beach parties that occured every night were great - mini full moon parties with fewer people which made it like a cross between Palolem in Goa and Haad Rin on Koh Pha-Ngan. Lots of music and buckets, with plenty of entertainment: fire rope swings, fire poi shows and so on. After being tempted by the fire shows on Koh Tao and Pha-Ngan, and having witnessed this guy outside Carpe Diem, Selks and I thought we'd get involved. The pictures tell all.

Outside the Irish bar before heading down to the beach party
see all photos »

After retiring at various points between 3am and 6am, we slept until the afternoon then headed to the beach for a relaxing and uneventful day. Wading out for miles in the shallow water, Louise and I chatted away in the crystal clear water. Cooled down and ready for a nap, we headed back in, swimming on our backs. Sadly, the large coral rocks halfway out had escaped my mind and without thinking I kicked down hard to stand up, directly on top of the sharp reef. Initially agony, it didn't seem too bad after 10 minutes, and even stopped bleeding. In fact, the next day, it was painful to walk on but was OK, and the 10 or so bits of coral embedded in the sole of my foot would probably just work their way out.

Banging out the tunes
see all photos »

I awoke the next day. I put my right foot down and stood up and immediately collapsed to the floor. Total fail. The coral had turned black and I guessed it was infected. Since it was like walking on broken glass, I bandaged it up and got on with the day. As it wore on, things weren't feeling too good so Louise escorted me to the hospital - a 20 minute walk along the seafront! Clean and modern, the place seemed decent. The only soothing talk was coming from me, as Lou's fear of hospitals had not made her the ideal choice of companion. After being examined I was told I would have to have the coral removed and would need local anaesthetic. Lying on my front, two girls either side of me, one traumatised from a knee injury and crying her eyes out, the other desperate for company having been stuck in the ward five days with bronchitis, the nurse injected the first needle into the sole of my foot. Shouting and swearing as the most intense pain shot across my foot, I set the already upset girl into full blown hysteria. Another injection followed into my heel, and the area still not numb enough, another for good measure. Bless the girl on the other side who motherly declared this was better than gangrene and grabbed my hand as the fourth injection pierced the sensitive area just short of the ball of my foot.

The wonderful effects of tramadol
see all photos »

Finally numb, the nurse, scalpel in hand dug out the coral and bandaged me up. In an effort to extract as much money as possible, they dosed me up with about 3 years worth of antibiotics, paracetamol and the opium-derived tramadol. I was instructed to take the tramadol three times a day. Just one of the little pills sent me into my own little world. Barely able to string a sentence together, I thought it best to keep them for when strictly necessary.

The next day, Gina was leaving and I was sad to see her leave. Having barely spoken since I was 18 and then spending every day for three weeks together in Thailand, it was a surreal but fantastic experience. Top girl. Another couple of days and it was our turn. We'd decided to head back to Koh Tao for a few days before Louise and Natalie had to head back home. On the way, about 30 minutes north of Phi Phi, was Railay Bay. This secluded mainland spot is only accessible by boat and the Lonely Planet gave it a decent recommendation. I reflected on the great times we'd had on Phi Phi and popped a tramadol to send me off to sleep as the boat sailed for the bay.