Wedding Season and the Pink City

I have so much to tell! January has been a busy month. School is up and running at full speed now. We have a visiting professor at JNU from the University of Alabama on a Fulbright that is teaching a class on American Foreign Policy that I'm really enjoying. Having the Indian perspective from the two other professors who are Indian and the students is a real learning experience. There at extra lectures each week as well put on by the department and last weeks was on Iraq and the middle east. That was interesting to say the least. They had lecturers from the Indian diplomatic service, the Indian press, and a professor from JNU.

Apart from studies, the JNU social scene is going as strong as ever. FSA hosted an International Food Festival this month. About 20 countries were represented there. Katha and Eiad helped me churn-out about 7 large apple pies that sold out in about 30mintutes. We shared a booth with the Uzbek pulao chefs and had a great time watching some Nigerian dancing and hovering around the amazing cuisine from the Iranian booth.

My month was slowed down a bit by the obligatory sickness that India seems to have as a sort of induction ceremony for travelers. Each time I return, after about 3 weeks I get good and sick, & then I've paid my dues for the time and I'm ok. This time it lasted almost a week and was a bit worse than normal. But, some antibiotics and lots of rest later, I think I'm over it.

The big excitement this week has been my first Indian wedding! Which was shortly followed by my second Indian wedding, but I'll tell you about that next. Our trip got off to a rough start. There are generally two kinds of trips...especially here in India. The kind like recently when I went to Orchha and Khujaraho. When everything seems to come together, the gods are on your side, and you just have a wonderful time. Then....there are nights like last night. Kata and I left JNU late to catch the midnight bus to Jaipur.

When we got to the station we were told there was an 11:45 bus that we would just make. Great! So, we get our ticket, go to the bus they directed us to and waited. Come midnight, they start checking tickets, tell us we've missed our bus and that no refund would be issued. We protested, then just found and empty seat and kept quiet till the bus started moving, at which point we figured they would be less likely to kick us out. At 2am, we caught up to the 11:45 bus at a break station and we were told to switch to our originally intentioned seats. So, from 2am-6am we slept on the other bus.

Upon arrival in Jaipur we had picked some choice hotels from the list in the guide book and started the walk to find them. Like Mary and Joseph however, there was no room at the Inn's...plural. We finalely settled with the less than enthusiastic staff at the Evergreen Guest House paying more than we really wanted, but were too tired to care at that point.

After a few hours more of sleep and a leisurely breakfast overlooking the lovely garden at the hotel, we headed out to see the city. Jaipur is one of the most popular tourist sites in India, so the hustle, bustle, and Las Vegas-esque qualities should have been expected, but my naivete continues to surprise me after so many months here.

Our saving grace today was Dada Ji, our 70yr old bicycle rickshaw driver who spent the day leading us through and around the streets of Jaipur. He spoke pretty good English, especially for an older man, was a self-professed "Indian Helicopter" and "very strong man." He let us try riding the rickshaw and it is not and easy job.

The highlights of the day for me were the monkey temple and riding with Dada Ji through the streets around sunset. The monkey temple has well earned it's name, and though the residents are many and well maintained through devout Hindu offerings, it is no petting zoo. These animals are cared for in the shadow of the Hindu monkey looking god "Hanuman," and are honored there as his brothers. The steep hike up to the temple perching at the top of the hill was a unique opportunity to see the city unfold below us in the warm light of sunset. It's hard to understand how vast these cities are until you see them from above like that.

Riding through the markets at that time of day is always a favorite for me as well. It seems that around 5pm, the tourists seem to fall away and the local residents take back the streets for the purchasing of the nights vegetables or just having chai with a friend. It still strikes me how much time people here spend together just talking and sharing a cup of tea. The luxury of casual time to just get to know friends better and catchup  on the days events is something most of us in the west can rarely squeeze into our busy schedules.

The big event of our second day in Jaipur was taking the local bus out to see Amber Fort a few kilometers outside of Jaipur. It was a gorgeous old fort built in the 1500's and used by the line of royals until it was finally taken over by the Indian government in the 1950's. The level of sophistication in architecture, aesthetics, and technology is just amazing as you will see in the photos.

Of course, the biggest part of this trip, though, was the wedding in Dausa. We left Jaipur on the 11am bus and arrived in Dausa about an hour later. You could tell many tourists don't come through this small town as we kept getting the "are you lost?" look from people. Mahdavi, Katha's neighbor, and her father picked us up at the bus stop and we took the short ride to their family home.

The alley where all of their family have homes along was being strung with shimmering silver and gold netting as we lugged our bags to Mahdavi's aunts home where we would be staying. There were only a handful of people in the attendance of 500 or so that spoke english so conversation was not the bulk of the weekend. What the weekend was really about was spending time in a very real setting with a normal Indian family. We spent much of our time with the bride and the other ladies of the family, about 30 of us, in a small room with just enough space for us all to sit on mats, side by side, on the floor. Meals were eaten in the common area of the home on mats on the floor with the men and women taking turns eating and serving each other.

I, as most Westerners, come from a small family. My parents, my sister, and I constitute my core family. Madhavi's family I couldn't even count! Though I can't imagine how hard it must be to provide for so many people, the benefits of those strong family values were evident. The comradery and joy of sharing time just being with so many loved ones was a truly incredible experience.

The first day we were there, the henna for the bride and then the rest of us was done at the house. The henna will be left on over night then washed off the next morning. One of the bride's younger sisters sat patiently with me for about an hour doing my henna. Again, it was just sitting there, in that small room with 30 other women watching them laugh, smile, talking to each other....it was the best experience of the weekend.

We saw plenty of the actual wedding ceremonies over the weekend as well. The first day we were there, there was the henna for the pride. Next, the women all walked through the streets, stopping to dance a bit along the way, until reaching a potter where they did a puja (or prayer) with the pots that would be used in the ceremonies the next day.

In the afternoon, there was another ceremony where the ladies of the family spread the bride with tumeric paste several times throughout the day. It is supposed to make the brides skin glow for the day of the ceremony. I don't know if it was the tumeric or not, but she was certainly radiant.

That first night there was a long ceremony in the evening where all of the family exchanged gifts. They were small gifts, new sari's for the women, and a shawl or some money for the men. With such a large family this took several hours. No one could really tell me the significance of doing this, but it was definitely more ceremonial than a Christmas kind of situation.

The next day was the big day, but since the actual ceremony was at night the day was actually very relaxed. In the morning, we went to the market and went shopping for bangles and jewelry to wear that night. I had brought jewelry but wanted to get a more traditional set of gold jewelry. In india, the bigger the better, and I tried to find something that didn't necessarily appeal to my sense of style as much as would fit in with the other ladies.

The evenings events finally started around 6pm. It took quite awhile to get everyone ready because all the ladies had to help each others to elaborately pin their fanciest sari's in place. It was the first time I had worn my sari and though I felt a bit like a geisha taking tiny steps, it was fun to wear. The people at the ceremony really appreciated my attempt to look "Indian" (the blonde hair gave me away I think.)

We went to the large, outdoor pavilion around 8pm. The bride and groom didn't arrive until around 10pm, so we had a few hours to kill. With around 400 people in attendance, there was a massive amount of food. The tables made a perimeter around the area filled with large bowls of curries, men making fresh flat breads, jalebi (the small fried, sugar soaked deserts), chow mein (a version of chinese noodles that is big here), a typical Rajasthani dish of savory pancakes, and my favorite; a 3ft wide bowl full of curried eggplant, bitter gourd, okra, and anything else green.

Strangely by our customs after many of the guests ate they just left. With our smaller weddings in the U.S. I think everyone is expected to stay and witness the events of the evening and pay their respects to the bride and groom. From what I have seen indian weddings gain respect by the sheer numbers of people in attendance, and I can see how it is hard for 400 people to wish them all the best.

The best part of the ceremony for me was the grooms arrival. He arrived on horst back wearing a turban and a glowing white Indian korta with a loud and large band of drummers in tow. He is then met by the bride and they both ascend the stage. You will not see the bride smile much at an Indian wedding. It is traditional for them to look solemn, verging on the edge of sad it seemed.

My main thoughts throughout the evening were, "What must they be feeling?" Although that is my thought at most wedding, wondering how it feels to make that commitment to another person, my questions were even more during this service because this was an arranged marriage. The bride and grooms marriage was set up by their parents and they had met only twice before the ceremony. I know it is normal here, but it was unimaginable for me to try to think of committing yourself to this other person for the rest of your life that you barely know.

I must admit that in many ways this makes a lot of sense, and I know that arranged marriages were not uncommon in my own countries past. These marriages are arranged according to very practical considerations of education, money, social standing, and life goals of the families. I asked Madhavi how this is actually done and she just said that when her father knew it was time for his daughter to get married he told his colleagues and friends and told them to put him in contact with anyone who had an eligible son and would consider them.

It doesn't seem that the women have much choice in this process, I don't know if there is any more freedom from the grooms side. Madhavi told me, in fact, that even if she fell in love with someone, she wouldn't marry them because it would reflect on her entire family. If she married for love, it could prevent families from considering her female family members for respectable arranged marriages in the future. The level of dedication and obedience is of a kind I think you rarely see in the United States anymore. Until stepping outside of it I think it is hard to see how much we are driven to be strong individuals in Western culture. Our values have moved much more towards our careers and individual lives and much further away from this strong commitment to the family, for better or worse.

There is a very short ceremony where the bride and groom exchange garlands of flowers.Most of the evening, however, is spent taking photos. In both of the weddings I attended recently I think about half of the entire day must be spent taking photos, more so than at Western weddings when I thought the same thing. Everyone present takes turns going on stage to take a picture with the bride and groom who are seated in ornate thrones. When this was over it was around 1am and the happy couple was then able to eat their dinner.

We all piled in the vans to head back to the house around 2am to wait for the final portion of the ceremonies. While we were gone, a small tent had been assembled in the home with flower garlands hanging from the top and many different symbols of good fortune adorning the floor around it like coconuts, piles of rice, more flowers, and sugar. The bride and groom sat down with the family around and a Hindu holy many proceeded to read verses in Sanskrit that no one else understood either. The ceremony culminates when the bride and groom (with hands tied together) cirlces a small fire seven times while vows are recited. It all wrapped up around 5am and we headed out on the 6am train to Delhi.

I arrived back at my apartment around 11:30am and shortly after someone knocked at the door. It was my neighbor from downstairs who I'd actually never met before. She wanted to invite me (and all my friends) to her sisters wedding! When it rains it pours. So, the next night, we were off for wedding number 2 in 3 days.

I figured that a wedding in Delhi would be different from the country wedding we went to in Dausa, but as my 9 friends and I walked under the 20ft canopy of red satin and Gerber daisies into a corridor of expertly lit, white columns on the red carpet I started to realize just how different it would be. I wore my sari from last weekend and one of the other girls borrowed one from a friend to wear. As we took group photos in the huge pavilion of flower arrangements, carved wood stage, and seating areas arranged like a maharajahs’s lounge, I couldn't’t help but feel a bit like I was at the Indian prom.

The wedding pavilion was very heavily decorated with flowers, pink satin, and elegant seating centered around the large pool with flower petals laid out in decorative swirls around the edge. We arrived around 9pm and the guest were just starting to trickle in. We found a table after taking some photos and started perusing the tables of appetizers like chaat (yogurt, shredded ginger, grapes, and tamarind paste layered over fried crackers and rice dumplings), wheat pancakes stuffed with cheese and spinach, paneer tikka (cottage cheese like cubes grilled with green peppers and tomatoes), and much more.

Around 10pm we looked up at one of the flat-screen projectors that was showing live feed from the cameramen at the front entrance and we saw the elephants were on their way. This is a signal of the arrival of the groom so we all hurried to the front and were greeted by two huge elephants (one with large white tusks), a pair of camels, and the grooms horse drawn carriage arriving "in the style of a king" as one of the family members put it. One of the elephant drivers saw me eagerly eyeing his pachyderm and asked if I wanted to get on. So, sari and all, I climbed up the 7 ft of body (after he sat down) and Hushnid and I watched the rest of the procession from about 15ft in the air on the back of our elephant. At one point some of the family threw up garlands of orange marigolds for us to wear on our necks. A group of travelers watching from the side asked me later if Hushnid and I were the ones getting married because of our prestigious seats.

There were many similarities between this wedding and the one we attended last weekend. The basic order of events....dinner around 11pm, LOTS of picture taking, elaborate arrival of the groom then coming to meet the bride on stage, etc. Though the basic idea was the same, there were many important differences. The bride for this wedding, and her groom, are both living in London though they are Indian by birth (what is know at an "NRI," or Non-resident indian.) They met, and fell in love in London then their parents arranged the marriage. Versus the arranged marriage last weekend where the bride and groom had met twice. After my second wedding though, I was able to explain the basic idea of what was happening to the group of travelers that happened upon the ceremony.

We finally left around 1am, which is early compared to the 5am end of the wedding last weekend. However, this time we didn’t go to the brides home to see the final, and more intimate, portion of the ceremony.

Seeing the ceremonies of these weddings was amazing but the impression that sticks most from these events is the indescribable hospitality of these two Indian families. Not only were they kind enough to invite us to these ceremonies, but they treated us like family while we were there. As the family in Dausa told us, "a guest is a god." We really were treated like honored guests and that is what I will remember most, even over all the amazing colors, food, and glamor.