Laos meets Lanzarote

We had splashed out and bought VIP bus tickets for our trip down to Vang Vieng, on the advice of our guide book, and thank god we had. Our image of a slick pair of wheels and comfy seats was quickly dispelled when we arrived at the bus station. In front of us was a clapped-out old bus with a windscreen held together with gaffer tape (no joke). The interior had been decked out with some over-the-top embroidery and tassles hanging from the luggage rack, obviously to distract you from the fact that the inside was falling to bits too! We scrabbled around our seats looking for seat belts. Guy found one half of his - we didn't let ourselves think about where the other half might be...

If we thought New Zealand had a lot of bendy roads, it was nothing compared to the drive we had on this bus. It was interminable. For 4 hours, we did nothing but veer to the left and then to the right as our bus negotiated the steep slopes and bends of the hills. You tried to fix your eye on a faraway point but the scenery was swinging too quickly to find one! Then each time the driver got to a village he would ferociously hoot his horn to clear the road of chickens, cows and even families having their breakfast. When we finally reached something that felt like a straight road, it turned out to be unsealed and we bounced along gravel and pot holes for another 3 hours. Our lunch stop was at a road side cafe (Lao Little Chef?) where we tentatively ate some beef noodles, wondering if we might see them again once we got back on the bus. No sooner had we all piled back on, then the bus broke down so we all had to get off and push it to jump start it! It was a crazy journey.

We arrived shaken but not stirred, and headed in to Vang Vieng. Our guide book had built it up as the outdoor sports capital of Laos so we had eagerly booked ourselves on a kayaking and caving day. The scenery on our journey in had also been spectacular so we had high hopes. Oh, how quickly they were dashed!

Our guest house, at least, was really pretty with an incredible view over the mountains and the Nam Song river, but as soon as we went for a wander around town we were met with a frightening cross between Blackpool, an 18-30s holiday and Friday night at an All Bar One. Everywhere you looked were neon bars belting out pirated episodes of Friends all day long. The food was all European and the bars were full of drugged-out or drunk Englishman (to our shame). We managed to find one nice bar and got to watch the sunset with our backs to all the backpacker carnage, pretending it wasn't there. Unfortunately, for Vang Vieng, it's reputation for chilled-out bars and cool sports - like tubing down the river - have attracted the very worst of tourists who have turned it into a South-East Asian 'Costa del Sol'. As we tried to find a restaurant that did Lao food, we passed drunk girls running around in bikinis (oblivious to the offense that causes) and blokes throwing up. Suddenly, we were hugely grateful that we were only here for a day and half...at least the kayaking would be good fun...

We woke the next morning after a disturbed night's sleep listening to thumping music and the Lao guest house owner having a screaming match with an English guy at midnight. The kayaking did turn out to be good fun but made us realise how spoilt we had been with our lovely two chickens - Kai and Kai - back in Luang Prabang. These guides were friendly enough and their English excellent, but the plan for the day was a bit hit and miss and no one really knew what they were doing. Thankfully we had been tutored in kayaking by the pedantic Steve (aka Alexei Sayle) back in Magnetic Island, as we only got a 2-minute run through on how to hold a paddle before setting off. The journey down the Nam Song was stunning - really amazing. The hills are undulating, like dragon scales, and covered in lush green forest. Half an hour in we stopped to visit the first of 2 caves. The local villagers still used the caves to travel through with their produce for market. We were led over the hill first and then came back underground, with only a tiny candle to light our way! The view (if you can call it that) in the caves was like nothing else we'd seen. The walls of the caves were smooth and rippled and went from big chasms to small gaps to squeeze through. At one point we all had to blow out our candles and got to see what absolute darkness looked like. It was pretty dark! Back in the daylight we had a Lao BBQ and got back in the canoes, not really sure where we going next. But it didn't stop Team Pattison who were smugly showing off their paddling technique and taking the (very tiny) rapids in style! We didn't stay in the water for long as our guides stopped off again, this time to visit an Organic Farm and sample some of their mulberry tea. The tea was great but the stop lasted a while and we all felt like we were hanging around, when we really wanted to get back in the kayaks. Two minutes down the river and we had stopped again - this time to have a go on a river swing (which no one really wanted to) and the chance to hang out for another hour! We were started to feel that what should have been a half day trip was being strung out to try and fill a full day... With mutiny threatening, we finally all agreed (with prompting from Guy) that it would be better to visit the last cave and risk finishing early than hanging around on river banks! So we set off for the final cave - known as the Sleeping Cave as it was a safe refuge for thousands of villagers during the war to escape the bombs. It was amazing - and worth every bit of the trip so far. To enter the cave, we had to wade in water up to our waist (though I trod in a big hole so it went up to my neck!). We still had our same tiny candles to light us through a confusing network of tunnels and holes. After clambering up a wet muddy slope in flip flops, which believe me is not easy to do, we then got to slide down a mud bank the other side. To get out of the cave, we had to squeeze through this tiny opening which meant performing a contortionist act and go out left leg first, then head, then arms and then right leg. (You'll be pleased to hear that Guy's butt made it safely through!). Safe to say, we did not come out clean! With only a short distance left to paddle, Guy let me take a break while I took some piccies. It was a great trip but we would have loved more time on the water as the river was so beautiful and the views stunning. But the caving really made it. After scrubbing all the mud off us we went back to our favourite (only) nice bar and watched the sunset for a second night in a row. It's a hard life. Tomorrow we could leave this god-forsaken place and head on to the capital - Vientiane. (Footnote: I have to confess that in the evening, we succumbed and watched a couple of Friends episodes while eating the wettest pizza ever. Well, when in Rome...)