An American I am, Sam.

I wouldn’t catch the next Red-eye back to America tomorrow if you bought my ticket because I have only just begun this journey but there are certainly times when I close my eyes and hum the National Anthem in my head. Let everyman know the culture of another man but we have to keep our own alive inside us, this is what we have. You cannot truly realize your own world until you step outside of it for a lengthy period. Don’t get me wrong, immersing yourself teaches you values and really awakens a zest for life inside you but you try living in someone else’s shoes for 4 months.

The next time a European tells me Americans are loud, pushy, and rude I’m going start perpetuating stereotypes and then I’m going to injure a Spaniard. Sure, there is a chunk of the American population that is self-absorbed and overbearing but we’re talking about a country of people whose idea of courtesy is pushing you out of the way with traffic rather than against it. At least in America we give a half-ass, insincere apology when we brush past people in passing, at least there is acknowledgement.

...people whose idea of courtesy is pushing you out of the way with traffic rather than against it...

You know, I’m aware we’re not the “greenest” country in the world, we drive our SUVs and pollute like hell but I’ll be damned if this country hasn’t taken the “environmentally conscious” concept it too far. I swear every citizen of Spain uses public transportation and they use it at the same time. Imagine 66E in the morning at around 7:45 going into DC ( I know, I know… but this will only take a minute) Imagine if all those people got out of their cars simultaneously and piled onto the 6 car Metro at Vienna. Yea. Now imagine if the nightmare that is rush-hour on 66 expanded into a 24 hour period but in all forms of public transportation. There is no escape. These people are everywhere and the oldies… watch out. They come at you with their canes and fans beating and verbally badgering you in broken, ancient Castellan Spanish when they hobble onto the metro/bus/train. In my country, if you were raised correctly you would offer your seat to an elderly gentleman/woman with no hesitation. Here, you don’t even have time to process that gesture before they are prying you off your seat at 730 in the morning with their canes. There is no gesture, it’s an unwritten law.

How many people in the United States speak Spanish? Now, calm down… I’m not referring to Jorges and Juan Pablos that herd around Manassas like they settled there in the 15^th century and we’re inconviencing them with our English…no I’m talking about in customer service, or tourist attractions, train stations, etc. I’m telling you we have every language from English to Swahili available and here (one of the top five most toured countries in the world, mind you) it is as if the English language is as foreign of concept as a good, hot meal in this place. I must have American tourists come up to me on a daily basis, nearly in tears because when they tried to get into the Prado the Spanish guards started yelling at them in Spanish and wouldn’t even try to acknowledge their broken attempt at communicating with them in Spang-lish.

Speaking of a good, hot meal…. I could go on for days about how many times a day I want to march into the kitchens of these restaurants and just slap someone for being incompetent. You know when you visit a foreign place, you go out and enjoy the different food and the whole thing is really an experience. When it becomes your diet, it’s a whole other story. The other night, now keep in mind this happens to me 9 out of- I won’t exaggerate, 10 out of 10 times I go out to eat- Jacqueline and I went out to a café for a bite to eat in the middle of the afternoon the other day after a parade/festival. We wait 15 minutes to be acknowledged, 15 more minutes for our drinks, 5 more minutes for the waters we ordered 30 minutes ago, and 45 minutes for our food…the food never comes. The manager comes out, tells us in the most blasé manner that they burnt the pizza and they don’t have another to offer us. He mumbles something about it not being his problem and if we want to order something else and wait or if we want the check. Enjoy.

Oh and American TV. For the love of everything holy I haven’t set these peepers on a television in 2 months. Can you imagine? I know my dad or any male in my immediate family would have dug a hole back to America and crawled their way back by now. I could go to the living room and watch cable but every show in this country would be like the equivalent torture of sitting through a 30 minute episode of Dr Phil trying to life-coach Rosie Odonell. Nightmare.

I don’t know how these people missed the modern memo about convenience but that is another amenity this place lacks. The hours of stores, there are no elevators in residence buildings ( I live 15 flights of stairs up, I get up 2 flights and have to pull out a magazine and take 10) and you have to take a bus to a metro to a train to get anywhere- getting to school is a half a day’s adventure.

Yes, the idea of starving kids in Somalia and the percentage of homeless people around the world did cross my mind as I shamelessly bitch about traveling through Europe and be able to take 4 months on cultural-sabbatical from life. I really am having a great time but come on, I’M AN AMERICAN… why isn’t every country like us? They should be.

America, home of the fat but happy and land of the politically correct. Who say’s you can’t miss home even when you’re having the time of your life.