"The American Tourist" at the Bursa Hammam

From Istanbul we took the ferry to Yalova, and then a bus to Bursa, which is like the San Jose to Istanbul's San Francisco.  If you want to buy a car or a wedding dress, come to Bursa.  I actually started the first dispatch in an Internet cafe in Bursa, but the cafe only had one fan and it was on the other side of the room (the daytime temperatures during the whole trip haven't fallen below 100 degrees), so it wasn't even good for an internet cafe.  Two interesting things about Bursa: it is next to a town called Iznik, which used to be known as Nicea...Nicea should ring a bell for some of you church historians out there.

The second interesting thing that happened in Bursa was an encounter with "The American Tourist." Now, we all know that plenty of Americans who are tourists are not "The American Tourist" because they manage to travel in a low key, polite, culturally respectful way. They do not shout "You WILL give me a better price" in a round of what is supposed to be fun and relaxed haggling at the souk, They do, however, show up at the hammam in Bursa. The Bursa hammam is a bit unique because it also has a mineral bath in addition to the usual hot stone slabs and communal water basins, and apparently the men's section comes replete with a full bar (not so for the women's because as we all know, women don't drink). Anyway, six of us had gone in and were waiting our turns for the 20 minute massage, but since there was only one attendant, we settled in to a get-into-the-hot-pool-get-out-and lie-on-the-slabs-rinse-with-a-bucket-of-cold-water routine. Hammams , like American day spas, are quiet places and so you talk quietly, if at all.

Shower Cap begins a rant

We were enjoying the silence when all of a sudden from the changing room comes the type of loud voice that tourists use when they think the other person doesn't understand English but thinks if they just yell it loud enough, suddenly, magically, the person will understand English. "Do we need to wear bathing suits in here? Because we didn't bring any." And so, in burst three of "The American Tourists," wearing nothing. And they are loudly exclaiming that they don't know what to do. I hop up and head over to them and speak very calmly and in a low voice, explaining how to use the basins and the hot mineral pool and so on (I am hoping they will notice how I am speaking and do likewise...One turns to me and yells "Do they have shower caps here? I don't want to get my hair wet." " Ummm , no" I reply, and without sarcasm say cheerfully, "Getting wet is part of the whole experience." I go back to my slab and the ladies get in the pool when one of my group asks them if they brought their own scrubby mitts, and offers that if they haven't, they can buy one from the attendant. This is when ALL hell breaks loose.

Standing half in the pool, half out, the shower cap women points her finger to the attendant and screams "Do you speak English?" The attendant shakes her head, so the women points to some local women and scream the same thing. Appearing frightened, one of the women shakes her hand as if to say "so so". Shower Cap begins a rant about how she has paid 42 LIRA for EVERYTHING, 42 LIRA for THE WHOLE PACKAGE, and now she has to spend 5 LIRA (5 Lira being about 2 dollars). She begins to write the number 42 in the air, only the women she is writing it to is facing her, so to that women, the numbers 42 are being written backwards. Needless to say, this exchange did not go well, and the women sat sulking for 30 minutes before leaving for their full refund. The second they left, the whole vibe in the place changed, and we went back to our relaxing spa experience. And it was worth every Lira.

Up Next: Mudbaths in Koyegiz , the Ruins of Ephesus, and extreme sports in the Mediterranean