As far east as you'd hope to go.

Sharone and Thor.
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I'm now making up the dates I was at places because its all out of sinc and I'm past caring. Either way, we got to Hicks bay and then on to the East Cape Lighthouse, which is the first place in the world (apart from some island where they sacrifice goats or something but we won't count them) to see the sun rise. It really was the end of the earth (proved by composting toilet) and all the more fantastic for it.

Anyway, that as they say is that. Sitting here in my Dads office in Southend I'm agonising somewhat how best to explain why I'm back in England. Yeah I know I promised I'd be away for at least a year, and I apologise to those of you who've not had chance to change address yet. It's very underhand of me. Its not like I went away to find myself or anything so equally wishy-washy. I'd been putting off doing this sort of trip for years and it was the right time to go and consequently the right time to come back.

Twee little church.
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I saw all I wanted to see, didn't scrimp on the costs and likewise didn't push myself to do stuff for the sake of doing it. I could've easily afforded to go on to Australia, it wasn't that I just couldn't be arsed (I couldn't), but I would've been doing it for the sake of it being there. If I was to do it justice, I'd have to be as comprehensive as the States, Canada and NZ, but I simply ran out of steam. I'm not expecting sympathy, but changing hostel/bus/company everyday for 3 months can be a drag and you start to not enjoy it. I suspected as much, but I had to press the big red button that said 'do not press' for myself.

A NZ pimp and his ho's. Had to squeeze a sheep joke in somewhere.
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More fundamentally, there wasn't a prospect of work until January at the latest and I wasn't prepared to kick my heals till then, and certainly wasn't going to do farm labouring - been there, done that. It's no fun unless you've got an older brother to torment some poor soul for everyone elses amusement... poor old Geekatron, I bet he's in therapy now Andy.

In NZ, the only two viable places to live were Wellington and Auckland, and it soon became evident that lovely as their locations were, location pales in importance to the place itself. Although very nice, somewhere like Manchester simply has a lot more going for it, so I think I'll probably surface there next. Okay, I suppose the UK is also where I keep all my favourite people as well.

The east end of the earth.
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Although this may sound uncannily like a justification and the propping up of my ego, it really isn't. No alarms, no surprises and certainly no regrets.

So what have I learned?

1. Despite automatic dismissal in some quarters (i.e. a loud Australian), the USA is worth a visit and is certainly more of a challenge to get around than NZ, of which is spectacularly easy. I don't want to piss on anyones cornflakes, but its about as challenging as a SAGA tour. If you want to impress someone, go round Bolivia on a space hopper, now that's kudos.

Hicks Bay, very nice. Could do with more petrol stations though, especially on days when I had to catch a flight.
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2. Carrier bags are evil and should be kept out of dorm rooms. I think the rustling sound frequency is pretty much on a par with nails down a black board at seven in the morning, when someone tries to discreetly (or not) leave the room and pack up their slowly composting undercrakers.

3. Cultural hands across the sea or not, no one needs to see last nights pigs-head leftovers in the communal kitchen the next morning for the members of a Tonga rugby team to chow down on.

The first sunrise of the 6th of December.
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4. Hostels are a hitherto vastly untapped resource overlooked or dismissed unfairly, certainly in USA, Canada, Tahiti and NZ. They could be shit everywhere else, but I challenge anyone to find a better location to stay in any major city, with actual useful info and with a choice of room types to stay in. In fact, I want to keep them tomyself so forget I said anything.

5. Children are a burden to quality holiday making as you can't go at the best times of the year (autumn in North America) and should be sold to workhouses. Children under the age of five should certainly not be allowed on aeroplanes. The stewardess may have a sympathetic smile but the rest of the passengers hate you.

6. The ozone hole will nuke the balding gent in ten minutes flat. Although apparently at the time of peak production, human activities were putting out about 700,000 tonnes a yae of CFC's etc, at the same time, volcanos put out about 36,000,000 tonnes a year so in fact the ozone layer was in all probability always there (the ozone monitoring station in the antartic is slap bang next to a volcano putting out 1000 tonnes a day). Lest we forget, all our knowledge about climate etc is based on compute models with an error limit of at least 30%. Computer models are bollocks - I refer you to Landsim for landfill modelling. Challenge a climatologist why they can be certain of the weather 50 years from now but can't give an accurate prediction for next Wednesday.

7. Argos is greek for lazy.

8. Its socially acceptable to buy/sell possum fur in NZ because there are 70,000,000 of them that aren't supposed to be there, which eat about 70,000 tonnes of native foliage every night. I'm going into business as a furrier - can I recommend the possum hot water bottle holder? They'll be in your shops by next Christmas.

8. The brace position used in emergency landings is to break your neck and conserve your teeth for dental records. I don't care if its true or not, it's my new favourite quasi-fact.

9. Of course Germans really are a very nice bunch indeed, I met a disproportionate number of them and like most other travelling europeans put our language and grammer to shame. They did support the music career of David Hasslehoff however which is still unforgivable I'm afraid.

10. With the notable exception of Wozza the Stray driver, bus drivers are sarky, miserable bastards the world over.

Anyway, hopefully see you about.

Phil.