Hawaii, Oahu Island - Honolulu

Fun times on the North Shore
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It is difficult to describe Oahu Island or more specifically Honolulu where approx 85% of the inhabitants of the Hawaiian Islands live. It is like some sort of bloated plasticine fantasy world that has been designed by and built for the type of children who last struck the jackpot by winning golden tickets for a visit to Willy Wonka´s Chocolate Factory (with Becs and I playing Charlie Bucket of course, especially as we stayed in a 12 bed dorm but without our grandparents).

What strikes you first is the size of everything; large fries, large burger, large coke, large coffee, large cars (huuuuuuuuumveeeeeeeeeeeeee), large choppers (a type of motorbike apparently), large hotels, large apartments, large stomachs and large breasts both male and female (the references to plasticine continue). If that was not enough, Waikiki beach (Honolulu´s main strip) is not even real as sand was dumped there (killing coral and marine life in the process) from some of the islands more natural beauty spots to create a beach on the doorstep of the numerous hotels. Any remaining coral has long since been destroyed by the ocean going plastic tractors that peddle and crunch their way across the shallow sea bed (more accurately refered to as aqua cycles).

Shut up and eat your burger!

Catching a wave
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It is of course possible to escape Honolulu and head for the North Shore where the monster surf and chilled out beachside atmosphere is the main draw. Or the beautiful Windward Coast where sheer grassy volcanic hills form the backdrop to every town. Unfortunately, the frustrations of downtown Honolulu are not left behind as it takes nearly 2 hours to reach either of these places. Incredible when you consider that the North Shore is a mere 24 miles away, or less than 20mins in your huuuumveeeeeeeeeee.

Perhaps the traffic moves so slowly due to everybody being on a "Homeland security code orange" alert which is an exaggerated state of caution that you are asked to engage in when arriving and departing any US airport. I´m not entirely sure what this is but if its designed to make the weary traveller feel relieved and delighted in equal measures to land safely in the busom of Uncle Sam (or not leave at all) then it certainly worked after the 15mins interrogation I received at immigration. The interrogation could have been because I got off the plane on my hands and knees as an indication of my adherence to a code orange alert but was more likely to be because I had a multi country ticket for travel in countries nowhere near Kansas and Idaho. Oh, and they didn´t like my beard.

Despite all of the above we did make a go of Honolulu particularly Cheeseburger in Paradise – a national burger chain that encourages you to "shut up and eat your burger", spin the cheeseburger for a free cup of coffee and commemorate your visit by purchasing a t-shirt shrink-wrapped to the look and size of a burger. In a shopping mall we were entertained by the delightful Tara who invited us to spin the barrel for a discounted pearl, ring the bell and shout a long and loud "aloooooooha" (Hawaiian for hello, love and peace), tap the oyster three times and see the colour of the pearl. This sort of thing just does not happen in Debenhams.

In spite of the traffic we did actually make it to the North Shore and along the Windward Coast which are well worth the extra effort. The length of the journey is immeasurably sped up when you have a bus driver who refuses to wait and pick up customers running for the bus stop as apparently “nice guys come in last”.

Oahu did actually provide a few trip highlights with a trip to Pearl Harbour and the SS Arizona something that we are never likely to forget, particularly when you consider 900 servicemen are still entombed in the shallowly grave of the great battleship. I was also lucky enough to dive with large green sea turtles (Becs snorkeled). These amazing creatures are so placid and inquisitive, particularly the younger ones who happily followed me as I finned backwards in front of them.

Despite having a good time, Honolulu is not for the faint hearted and perhaps not the best introduction to the States, simply because it fulfils everything strange you´ve ever heard about the country. Aloooooooooha.