Liverpool, London and elsewhere

Liverpool
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We arrived at Heathrow early on a cold winter’s morning and made our way to our hotel in Victoria. We’d had two consecutive nights of minimal sleep (the previous night was spent in the cab of that Kenyan truck), so we got some beauty sleep (well Wenny did anyway – some of us are beyond help) before doing anything else. We went for a bit of a wander and Wen found that she loved the place within a couple of hours. I hadn’t been to the UK since 1999, so was also rather excited to be back. The cold was a bit of a shock after being in Africa, but it was actually a nice change. Wenny prefers the cold to the heat anyway. I couldn’t believe how many people there were walking around central London. Perhaps it was always like that, but it seemed like half the world was there at once, despite it being the middle of winter. Luckily I didn’t meet any Australians, as I didn’t travel across the world to meet morons with inflatable kangaroos on their heads who drink imported VB even though there are hundreds of better local beers on offer. Apologies to any VB drinkers wearing inflatable kangaroos. I’d never been to the British Museum or the National Gallery before, so we went to both of those, as well as several parks/gardens and the usual sights like Tower Bridge, Trafalgar Square and the like. During the changing of the guard, Wenny scaled the gates of Buckingham Palace when the beefeaters weren’t looking and ran around the palace looking for Princess Mary. The police at Scotland Yard later informed us that she doesn’t actually live there, but in Denmark. Carnaby St was still sort of ok in the late 1990s, but now it is completely lame. I can’t think of a word that better sums it up than that. If you haven’t been there since 1969, don’t bother going now. It even has a Boots chemist. Austin Powers would be horrified.

Library at the museum in London
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After a few beers with the queen and the senile old bloke she’s married to we went to Doncaster in South Yorkshire, where my family lived in the late 1990s. We had such fun with friends there that we ended up staying for two weeks. While we were there we made a few day trips, including to places such as York, Lincoln, Sheffield and part of Leeds (the armoury). York’s a famous place that most visitors to the north end up in at some stage, but Lincoln is a lesser-known delight. It’s built on a steep hill, with an excellent cathedral and also a castle. I’ve also read that it’s the cheapest place in Britain to live in – I’m not sure if that’s still correct.

He ran onto the ground holding up an Everton scarf and proceeded to jump around like a nutter

Goodison Park
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After Donny we got another train to Liverpool, where we stayed with a relative (well, across the water from Liverpool). We spent a couple of days walking round the city, which is undergoing a mass of development at the moment.  This year’s its 800th (?) anniversary, making it almost as old as my jokes, and in 2008 it’s going to be the European Capital of Culture. Albert Dock was redeveloped quite a while back and it looks marvellous, while other areas such as Kings Dock and the land between the docks and the city are also under construction to make it all look nice for next year.  This will of course mean nothing to people who haven’t been there. One place worth visiting is the maritime museum, which is quite tremendous. The two cathedrals are also very impressive, as is the Philharmonic pub, where John Lennon used to drink before marrying Japanese tyrants.

Dixie Dean
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While we were in the area we got a train to Chester, where many of the loaded footballers live. It’s a beautiful place, with lovely buildings and a nice river and racecourse. I’d happily live there if we could afford it.

The main thing I wanted to do in Liverpool was introduce Wenny to my first love, Everton Football Club. I’d already introduced her to my second love (St Kilda FC) a few years prior and she wasn’t jealous, so I had high hopes. People who aren’t that way inclined might not understand, but Everton’s home ground, Goodison Park, is quite easily my favourite place in the world. The match (v Reading) ended in a 1-1 draw, but thankfully a late equaliser made the afternoon exciting. At £28 a pop something like that needed to happen.

Dixie
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Those of you who read my email on Sumatra in 2002 might remember me meeting Rambo during an eventful bus ride (incidentally, if anyone happens to still have that email, please forward it to me!). As it turned out, Sylvester Stallone made an appearance at Goodison before the match, promoting the last Rocky film. His car passed us in the street outside the ground, and when the old man got out the large crowd chanted “Rocky, Rocky, Rocky”. I’m not sure if they realised that isn’t actually his real name.  Just before kickoff the Rocky music started and he ran onto the ground holding up an Everton scarf and proceeded to jump around like a nutter before taking his seat in the stand to watch the match.

Wenny at Goodison
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On the following day we went to Goodison again for a ground tour led by a former player, who took us down to pitch level and also into the dressing rooms. On the bus to the ground there was a terrible smell at one stage, but when Anfield (Liverpool FC’s ground) came into view, it was clear what the source of the stench was.

I at least partly achieved my objective of converting Wenny to the blue side, for at one stage she was looking at buying an Everton dressing gown, and started referring to Everton as “we”. George Dubya might call it “mission accomplished”, but I’m not quite that foolhardy. I still have a lot of work to do.  On another note, be thankful I’ve managed to restrict myself to four paragraphs on Everton. It could easily have been ten. Next stop was Edinburgh; getting there ended up being more of a hassle than we expected. The train from Liverpool to a place called Ormskirk was cancelled, which meant missing a few connections and taking different trains and (complimentary) taxis to Glasgow. When we missed the last Edinburgh connection Virgin put us in another taxi all the way to Edinburgh. The taxis cost them more than our train tickets, but the delayed arrival cost us over four hours. Edinburgh is an elegant city, with loads of history. We stayed with an old friend of mine from primary school, and had an excellent time. One night we went on a ghost tour, which was enjoyable, if not particularly scary. I’m still waiting to see my first ghost, apart from my brother Casper. We also checked out a few nice pubs (just for a change) and had a lot less sleep than we should have had. Like a lot of other cities, Edinburgh has excellent museums. From there we went straight back down to London, where we stayed with relatives for a few nights (and visited others) before flying out. One night we went to the Dominion Theatre on Tottenham Court Road to see We Will Rock You, the Queen musical written by Ben Elton, which was nothing short of marvellous. One thing that impressed me again about Britain was the friendliness of the people (don’t scoff). Many people we came across actually took an active interest in Wenny, whereas we find that in Australia a lot of people (though a minority) are strangely aloof. We’ve been to gatherings in Melbourne where people have acted like she wasn’t there, but in Britain the opposite was the case. In addition, it was great to be able to go to a decent pub and buy a decent beer at a decent price. When you come from the city with the worst beer in the world, you start to appreciate such things. One thing that disappointed me about Britain this time round was the standard of television. It seems to have been dumbed down since I was there last. When you have the BBC reporting on pathetic controversy caused by a Big Brother housemate’s comments, you know things aren’t as good as they used to be. It hasn’t quite dropped to the poor level of commercial TV in Australia, but it seems to be heading that way.