Tuscaloosa and the Mississippi Delta

Through storms and torrential rain out of Florida into Alabama, through Mobile with more Spanish and French colonial buildings, they had Mardi Gras here before New Orleans was dreamt of, then into mississippi to meridian where Hartley Peavey started his amp business in his garage. We pass Citronelle and Waynesboro with the Huff and Puff Bar-b-q rib smoke house where "You don't need no teeth" and churches outnumber people. We have Jesus and the Church of the latter day this, that, the Church of Jesus and the underfelt salesmen, whatever.

In meridian we have an amazing meal of shrimp and crab cakes with margeuritas at $2 all night in a tiny Cajun place, our accents a complete mystery to them, then onto Tuscaloosa.

Kim has her hair done here (Boy, is she high maintenance)

Hairdresser "Where you-all from?"

Kim "England"

Hairdresser "What language you-all speak thar?"

Kim "English"

Hairdresser "How about Australia, what language they-all speak thar?"

Kim "English, .........what language do you think we're speaking now?"

Hairdresser ".............................................Goin' anywar narce on holiday this'n yar?"

Its flaming hot, 111 degrees the car temp says.  On the radio the jockey hands across to the "Weather room" for an update..

"It's hotter'n crap rart now"

Indeed, it is hot as hay-all and we wander down to the river and take a lovely paddle steamer trip up and down stream.

As we head back huge thunder clouds, pitch black, are rolling up the sky, if anything it gets hotter.  As the rain starts we edcide on an evening in.  We're staying in a "convenience", not a park toilet, but a suite with fully fitted kitchen (Still only 30 quid a night!)  We have shrimp and scallops to cook, all fresh and stupidly cheap, and we settle in to watch tv as the storm starts to break outside.

The tv flashes off and a robot voice intones

"The automatic severe weather warning has been automaticaly activated, retune your television to channel 37 for instructions"

Being British, we don't panic.  I'm wearing a wig, one of Kim's dresses and a hastily scribbled sign "Cannot speak, take to shelter, feed and keep topped up with brandy" round my neck by the time we find channel 37.

It's a chilling message, Seek imediate shelter (Where do they think we're watching this) winds 60-80 MPH, structural and tree damage is certain. Deadly air to ground lightening around Tuscaloosa, keep away from doors and windows further warnings may be issued........OOH Goody!!

We pull back the curtains and stand in the window (if it's your time, it's your time, right?) with a nice glass of red and watch the most spectacular storm.  Lightening fills the entire horizon, forked lightening is so huge it appears to run horizontally around us as well as air to ground.  It's fantastic stuff.

We live through it and watch some morning TV, there are 5-6 channels dedicated to preachin' we have the "Miracles In Abundance show" I'm not kidding.  A guy with a ridiculouse syrup (If god can't fix that????) "cures" a line of Africans, all of whom seem to have lost the sense of smell!! How does that happen?? Anyway the bloke lays on his hands, goes through an "out demons out" routine, sticks a hanky under their noses and says "sniff that, is that good?"

An interpreter says "yes"

The preacher screams "Praise the lawd" and another hapless bugger without a word of english and no sense of smell is bundled up on stage.  The audience is in a frenzy, weeping, screaming, fainting, I've not seen anything like it since I ran into the audience at the Gosport festival with my flies open....

There are half a dozen channels of Huntin' shows.  They hunt with Dawgs, Crossbows (laser sighted) Guns (laser sighted) bows'n' arrers (Guess) the hunted has no chance.   The adverts are a hoot, buy so and so's scent masker, and arrow that splits on impact to get "better kill"

If you need any further evidence that they may have the odd social problem here, I give you the Church that holds protest meetings at service personel funerals killed in action !!

Dear God "Why" I hear you cry.

Oh, it's perfectly straight forward.

Every soldier etc killed is.......

(wait for it)

God's punishment for........

Illegally invading a sovereign nation and hanging said sovereign by the neck until he's dead perhaps?

No..................

(wait for it)

It's Gods' punishment of America for...

...............................Accepting gays.

Oh that's all right then.

I'm not kidding, they are here, they have a Church, congregation, preachers the lot.  They are all going straight to Hay-all.

Dear sweet Jesus.