The Times of Central Asia - Weekend Edition

Welcome to Central Asian Times Weekend Edition.

Our favorite English language newspaper, if only by default because there are really no others publishes on the weekend a special full colour edition. It is a gleaming twelve pages of randomness, news and gossip culminating in the “Weekend Report” a 2-column list of mismatched facts focusing on lackluster US foreign policy and other tidbits from the week’s events. For example, one sentence might have read like this: “Mother Theresa, being considered for canonization, had once said that she hadn’t felt the presence of God since 1949 while the North Korean President admitted to owning tapes of South Korean soap operas and George Bush’s grade 3 report card was released to the public.” This fabulous collection of run-on sentences and disjointed sequences makes for some of the best reading this side of China. So in the spirit of our favorite column we bring you our very own concoction of almost forgotten randomness from Central Asia. 

A Soviet-Afghan war vet revealed a landmine scar in the middle of a dusty, middle-of-nowhere roadside bar while the hunt for an inflatable pool toy in September ended in the purchase of one “CocoPuffs” raft and horns that sound like horses neighing are all the rage in Bishkek. Millions of melons are being sold from Western China to the Russian border, but the mystery remains: where are they being grown? Theories include: underground Soviet bunkers, offshore Central Asian Polynesian colonies and the mandatory one melon per household production requirement. Waitresses in the hip and happening Riva Cafe in Tashkent believe that hailing from Canada is “super cool” and a group of young boys in Naryn were caught pissing off foreigners by making loud (fake?) organism noises outside of apt windows. The Naryn Ultimate team is finally at first capacity. Obstacle training has begun and includes toddlers, cows and piles of garbage and hitchhikers reported that Mitubishi minivans equipped with DVD players and a good selection of R&B videos have been seen on the roads from Balichy and viewer discretion was non-existant as children’s videos were reportedly switched off in favour of 50 Cent and Snoop. A national survey indicates the average bed length in Kyrgyzstan is 5’2. The award for the most inibriated front desk attendant is given to the dude at Sary Chelek hotel in Bishkek who attended to guests at an early hour complete with vomit on his hands and underbid the lowest offered price by a hundred soms, surely the best deal in town. A lone Bristish missionary in Bishkek enlarged her vocabulary by asking two Canadians in Naryn to define the word “dude” and one very upset Canadian has a fleece that smells like horse piss as bad timing conspired to make the 30 seconds during which the fleece was on the ground the 30 seconds during which the horses needed to relieve itself. A housewarming party in Naryn was interupted first by what was hoped to be a Jehovas Witness but what turned out to be a door-to-door postcard salesman (flora and fauna of the Tien Shian) most likely tipped off by the nosey landlady and a second interuption was caused by the landlady herself obviously disappointed by her tenents choice of male guests, a timely depature ensued. 84% of Kyrgyz people picked the mullet the top hairstyle of 2007 with bad red dye jobs ranking a close second and Transformers was just released in Russian. A yurt party got slightly out of hand on Saturday night when a drunk granny stumbled from the yurt to berate foreign visitors with her two lines of English, namely repeating “my name is” over and over, a scene ensued as she was hauled away for an early night. Gold teeth remain important status symbols and wait staff feel the best way to ensure good service is to clear away plates and glasses efficiently and often before either is empty or before patrons have finished chewing. Discussion regarding altering the main routes of livestock herding off of main thoroughfares and first grade highways is ongoing while it was determined that the amount of recycled paper in toilet paper is acceptable as bits of newsprint are often legible and enjoyed by can-sitting readers and Kyrgyz wine sales are up after Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron photos were added to labels.