Snippets from an email home....

Maybe Japan could use a few more people like this....
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So, Japan is Japan. It is definitely not as fabulous as I expected it to be. I am not feeling the oppression quite as much as I thought I would, but I am really feeling the repression. I just feel like I can't do anything. From jumping over a railing to walking on the curb, I feel like everyone is looking down their noses at me. This may or may not be true, but it feels like it. No one ever steps outside the mold! And that is what bugs me about Japan.

Perhaps I am somewhat in a funk because of the latest happenings in Japan. This week alone, the Ministry of Agriculture killed himself to avoid having to face a tribunal where he was going to have to attest to his money laundaring. Then, a well known Pop star died while at a hospital where she was being treated for cancer. But she didn't die from the cancer. She fell down a slippery slope, only 10 feet, and died. Some are saying it was suicide. I'm getting fed up with a country that has 30,000 suicides per year and who's only goal to change that number is to bring it down to 25,000 per year by 2012. Wow. What a goal.

I just don't understand what the Japanese, as a people, value.

Kassandra and Bahriye, the two girls who are keeping me sane on this trip...
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They say they have a mental health issue on their hands, yet they still reward the man (yes, it's usually a man) who stays the latest at the office. One of my friend's students said that his dad leaves at 8 a.m. every morning and doesn't come home until 2 a.m. Apparently, the person who leaves work first at night is seen as the laziest worker, thus it becomes a contest of wills as to who can hold out the longest. Forget about family or a social life. Work is all these men have. That is messed up. I don't care how great your home life is, if you are working that much and something sets you off, of course you are going to kill yourself. Especially in a country who historically views suicide as an honorable act and the only way to apologize deeply for some ill action (in the case of the Forestry Minister).

Oi. I have been thinking about this the last few days and have been getting more worked up about it. I just don't understand what the Japanese, as a people, value. From my view as a foreigner, shopping is almost a national sport and most people will be damned if they don't have the newest cell phone, bag or pair of jeans. And I thought America was bad about following the mantra, "live to work, don't work to live" (unlike the French, who have it the other way around--quite rightly). Japan is virtually obsessed with getting into a suit and making money. But who sees the fruits of their labor? This is my question. What is the point of working all those hours when you never have enough time to even enjoy your money? Ok, maybe your poor, sad wife--who is most likely a homemaker, the seemingly most popular woman's job in Japan--can spend the money, but then what kind of life does she have either? If I remember correctly, Japanese people marry out of love and not from an arranged business transation, like in India.

So, then, what is the point? This is perhaps not the nicest, most gentle way to put any of this. Fine. But I have often wondered since being here about the point of many people's lives in Japan. I'm not saying they should just end their lives, for god's sakes. I'm just saying that perhaps a change of perspective, as a country, is in order. Then again, what right do I have in saying any of this? I am a foreigner who has only been here a mere month. How immersed have I become? Not much. I am still very much on the outside. But from an outsider's perspective, I have to wonder sometimes about this little, over-developed, wealthy Asian nation.

Well, that's it for now. I think I'm going to take it easy on the travelling until August. I'm probably going to work at a summer camp in Korea because the money's supposed to be really good. Then, my mom's coming to visit at the end of August/early September. Then I have no idea. I'm still looking for a journalism job abroad, but honestly, I am losing strength. I don't know what it is about this experience, but it's the first one where I continually think about going home. It's weird because I have never had this before. And it's not homesickness, really....it's more like I'm just tired of this way of life. I've been doing this for six years now: the moving around, the transtional friendships. They just don't mean the same thing to me. I am actually thinking about all the ties I broke, once again, by leaving home for the millionth time.

Maybe it's because I just had a birthday. Who knows. But at the age of 28, I could almost describe myself as "tired," even "weary." I guess I just want more. I don't want a job I am just good at. I want something I am passionate about. I don't want friends who fill the silence or the space in a room, but those who truly care about me, know me and will be around for a while. Oh my god, is this just an acute case of "settling?" For shame. I thought it would never happen to me. But seriously, sometimes I look at babies and just want to steal them. It's only a matter of time before I stop all this nonsense, throw in the towel, and just get married and have babies.....

kolet ink*