Dealing in Romania

I had this meditation going. After three months of traveling I was pretty far into a long conversation with myself. I had spent almost every day alone, and every night alone. When there is nothing to do I sit and think. I have familiar detours that my mind takes.

When I got to Romania things changed very very quickly. Especially since Christine was there, I stepped right out of my current state and instantly back into my old routine. It was good and very comfortable. The next day I tried to catch up on my personal journal. I didn't get too far. Th next time I picked it up was two days later, then three, and then I let it sit for the rest of the month. It really started bothering me. I didn't care that I couldn't write, but rather that all the different grooves I had found seemed to be washed away. I interacted with my surroundings exactly as I had before I began the trip. After everything I'd been through I would hope something would be a bit different.

I gave it a lot of thought and eventually Christine and I started talking. We took a hike up the road in Scarisoara. It wasn't a long enough hike so we sat in front of the gate for a while. It had rained so there was a nice stream passing through. At this point in time I had come to understand that everything I learn still has to be incorporated when I get back. Christine helped me to verbalize exactly what it was I was hoping to achieve.

I like Christine. I'm very comfortable with her. I enjoy it especially during those moments when conversation is not necessary and proximity is all it takes to mutually enjoy something. I like finding things and pointing them out to her. It makes me appreciate such things ten fold. I get excited by something and point it out and she gets excited and then I'm excited because she is excited and it all bubbles up quite explosively. When I'm alone and once I find a groove I can have the same experience with myself. I can really appreciate things without any analyses or thought - just feeling. I find that once certain parts of my brain let out some slack, I can experience my surroundings much more deeply. Sometimes it's absolutely overpowering and I find myself incapacitated in the middle of a busy street or while getting ready to go out.

While we were talking I got to thinking about my Uncle Mitchell (hi Mitchell). He's been a big part of finding my place with my mom's half of the family. I can only guess what goes on inside his mind, but I always enjoyed the way he spoke with me. When he would find time it would be just the two of us talking no matter how many people were in the room or around the table. He was always genuinely interested. I always felt like he was appreciating things the way people appreciate together. With two people I can point things out and ooh and ahh and talk about it and embellish and generate a lot of energy. He seemed to do it by himself.

I really admire Salinger. Of course I'd love to be able to write like him, but the important aspect is what he sees. In the simplest of exchanges, he can appreciate human beings so deeply that it only takes gossip over a cup of coffee for him to describe a lifetime of passion and disappointment. When I walk around in a foreign land I become a stranger, a nobody, and I can begin to appreciate people that way. I notice more, and I find myself more attached and involved with the most remote passerbys.

I'd like my painting of the world to be much richer. I'd like a lot more color, particularly in the people I'm closest to. It's that 'hey look at that' I want. It's simple when the object is in the distance, but priceless when the object is your best friend. I'd like to be talking to someone close and point out all the wonderful things to myself at the same time. I want to build up that energy so I have more 'wow' with the people closest to me. I think the people I admire can do that. I think they have a personal dialog that points things out and constantly amazes.

Well that's what I want. I want to be with people and point things out to myself and appreciate them for the beautiful people they are.

Christine and I finished up our talk and went in, I assume to eat, that being a regular activity at Mama Nell's. It was a nice idea, but I accepted defeat for a few more days of easy going vacation. I can develop as a person at a pretty rapid rate while I'm in my sanctuary, but incorporating it in public, I found, is rather tricky. My goal now is to build up as much as I can during this trip, and when I get back, hang on, grasping for dear life, and hoping I can manage to hold on to anything. It's not what I find along the way that matters, but what I bring back with me.