Granny Bashing, Donkey Meat and a Pickled Dictator

Shanghai's Bund District - your typically drab Communist Town.
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Landing in Beijing we could immediately tell we'd landed in a Communist Country - they'd sent three people to meet the two of us at the airport.  As it was minus seven degrees at the time we spent a lot of the first day stocking up on warm clothing including a pair of matching puffa jackets more at home on Northfield's Grosvenor Centre (Chav Magnet) than Beijing's busy streets.

The following day we took a train, coach and then a taxi to reach a quiet yet well preserved section of the Great Wall of China.  We had to climb over 2000 metres to reach the brow of the mountains upon which the wall was built.  It was amazing to see the wall in such isolation.  One of the few people we did bump into was a professional photographer for Time Out Guides who'd walked for three hours to take 'the perfect' shot'.  Clearly unable to get a decent picture he instead took a photograph of us capturing our best side (our backs) pretending to photograph the Wall ourselves.  The infamous Chairman Mao once claimed that "He who has not climbed the Great Wall is not a true man".  So folks, after all these years, Kieren's finally graduated. Apparently.

Homer Simpson could count, on the fingers of one hand, the amount of nice Chinese people we've met.

Shaolin Monk -he may be small but he could still kick Kieren's ass!
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Obviously this Mao bloke had a lot to say so, upon our return to Beijing we decided to look him up.  He may have been dead for nearly 30 years but that wasn't going to stop us - we'd come a long way!  So we joined the queue of (quite literally) thousands of Chinese who line up each day to pay homage and see Chairman Mao's pickled remains (for 'pickled' read 'embalmed') - despite the fact that he oversaw the killing of millions of their countrymen.  It was a bit  weird seeing the actual dead body of such a famous person all lit up in a glass box.

THIS was our hostel (check out the laundry facilities)
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We didn't find any 'Pickled Mao' on the menu of any of the many restaurants we visited - but we wouldn't have been surprised if we had.  Genuine Chinese cuisine just isn't... well, just isn't English enough for us.  Not once did we find the standard fare of egg fried rice, chicken chow mein or BBQ spare ribs.  These staple dishes seemed to be replaced by 'delicacies' such as dog, boiled intestines (whos?  Mao's?) and donkey (of which we only tried the donkey - which tasted identical to corned beef - sorry donkey lovers!).  When we did manage to find an English menu the translation was often more concerning than some of the local dishes we've already mentioned.  Were they really going to serve up Sheep Scorpions; hot pepper of Tiger Skin and 'The Fire Explodes the Kidney'?  If the food was bad the local table manners were atrocious.  Smoking whilst eating is something we find unpleasant yet it was commonplace in China.  But worse was to come:  Spitting.  And we're not talking spitting as in 'I've just eaten some sauteed cockroach - I'll spit it out' kind of spitting we're talking 'smoke 40 a day, just getting over bronchitis' kind of spitting.  In restaurants, shopping centres, on trains - there was no escaping some dirty toerag coughing up phlegm so copious, so heavy that we're sure, if it was prepared just right, could have ended up deep fried and served up to a hungry Westerner.  They'd probably make it sound appealing too - something like 'The Green Produce of the Motherland glides down your throat'.  Well, it sounds nicer than exploding kidneys at any rate.

Giant Spinning Top. (Temple of the Heavenly Gate)
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Even the water tastes weird - there's definitely a hint of vodka to it.  And the beer is cheaper than tea (in China!).  Charlotte's adamant it's just a way of keeping the comrades subdued.  Not that the totalitarian 'Communist' Government needs any help in subduing the masses.  We found out from a Chinese Doctor we spoke to that he has to 'apply for permission' (ie pay money) to the local head of the Communist Party if he wants to travel within China.  The internet is so strongly censored that the BBC's own Chinese language website is banned and, should you want to use a computer at an internet cafe you have to show your passport so that any 'misuse' can be tracked to individuals.  Needless to say; we're typing this up just before we're ready to leave.  If you don't hear from us again - the Commies have got us!

We didn't mention this so I guess it'll remain a bit of a mystery
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Communism in China is a farce.  Sure everyone gets paid the same - as was explained by the Orthopaedic Surgeon who, unless he took backhanders from drug companies, earned the same as the waitress serving our drinks.  But the so called benefits that we saw in Communist Cuba were absent .  Free healthcare for all was simply unavailable and, due to China's controversial 'One family: One child' policy anyone with more than one child would find it nigh on impossible to school any more than their firstborn.  If everyone is equal why do businessmen in suits swerve around homeless beggars on the streets?  If property is theft then what the hell were McDonalds, KFC and Starbucks setting up shop for?  Is a country which has, for the purposes of 'harvesting' dead prisoners' vital organs to sell for transplants, Mobile Execution Units (basically firing squads who tour in a van) really a suitable choice to host the Olympics?

Kieren wasn't getting much response from Mao when he asked him how to spell 'Tianenmen Square'.
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In a word:  No.  Even if you ignore the human rights abuses, the censorship and the politics of the nation there are still fundamental flaws which are not in tone with an Olympic City.

Firstly:  Transport.  Everything is in Chinese.  Cash machines, bus destinations, maps, the lot.  Buying a train ticket degenerated from being a twenty minute job into a three hour pain in the butt.  When we did brave public transport people inevitably tried (and on two occasions - succeeded) to rip us off.

Charlotte could sleep soundly with the knowledge that she had a first class ticket.
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IN a scam between the National Train Service (the pre privatisation British Rail) and the local tour agencies (Think Honest Bob's Tours) of Xi'an it is impossible to buy train tickets directly.  All tickets are sold, in advance of general release, to ticket touts who charge an outrageous commission on top of the normal price.  We had a choice - pay the commission or don't go.

Trying to get to the train station the one evening we noticed that, for some reason, the taxi drivers weren't picking up foreigners - only locals.  W had a train to catch so we managed to get a local with a motorbike with a box attached to the back (made from bits of scrap wood and plastic) to take us to the train station for about twice as much as it would've cost to take a proper taxi.   Whilst we've been traveling we've often find ourselves in situations where you look at each other, laugh and ask what the hell we are doing.  As we sat on the back of this box with our huge backpacks on our laps, bums coming off the seat as we hit every bump on the road, closing our eyes as we nearly ploughed headlong into an oncoming bus, that was just one of those moments.  We just looked at each and laughed - it was all we could do.

Cold bus journey
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When we had got tickets we were (intentionally?  Or are we being paranoid?) told to go to the wrong Beijing Train Station.  'Fortunately' for us there were dozens of taxi drivers who just happened to be waiting for us as we ran out of the train station in a panic.  The taxi drivers were just too happy to help us out though - for the equivalent of two days wages for a ten minute ride.  The kind hearted old soul (once we'd agreed on a much more reasonable price of around six hours pay) observantly pointed out to us "See?  Chinese people - very friendly".  The retort "A bunch of robbing bastards" was, we guess, lost in translation.

Shanghai at night
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Which brings us neatly onto the people of China.  Before we say this, if you have a tendency towards Chinese people or are, God forbid, Chinese - you may want to skip this bit.

During our travels (past and present) we've not met a more despizable nation than the Chinese we've met whilst being here.  Homer Simpson could count, on the fingers of one hand, the amount of nice Chinese people we've met).  There are so many well established, widespread scams operating that it's impossible to trust anyone.  Including the apparently friendly 'art students' who entice travelers into 'free' exhibitions and then gang up to violently extort massive volumes of cash from them.  We lost count of the times that someone tried this particular con with us.

Terracotta Warriors
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Or the dozen or so taxi drivers that surrounded the bus due to take the two of us to the Terracotta Warriors thus preventing us from boarding.  And then circling around us until the next bus came twenty minutes later to try and intimidate us into taking one of their taxis.

But worse still was the 60+ year old woman who Charlotte had to shove as she tried to snatch our wallet as we left the train station.  If the locals weren't trying to rob us they were busy staring  at us even after we'd noticed, and then proceeded to pass snidy comments or mimic our voices.

Our not so great sides
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Yep, the Olympic spirit is alive in China!

Perhaps this isn't the most balanced piece of 'journalism' ever.  In the interests of fairness we'll describe some of the highlights of the scum ridden hole of a country we've had the misfortune of spending the last few weeks in.

As well as visiting the Great Wall, whilst in Beijing we also marveled at a Kung Fu exhibition by Shaolin Monks.  The story behind the show was about a monks' lifelong development but really, if we're honest, it was more about watching men smash bricks with their foreheads and balance themselves on spears and knives and stuff.  This is one bunch of men you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of (Hmmm... I think we may be a bit late there).  There moves were, indeed, faster than a speeding bullet as Hong Kong Phooey would say (or was it Batfink?).

China turns you ginger. Fact.
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After a 12 hour train ride - our first ever in which we have legitimately sat in first class (it was so nice not having to look over a shoulder constantly) we arrived in Xi'an.  Just outside Xi'an (but too far to pay for a taxi!) are the famed Terracotta Warriors.  Discovered only a few decades ago, there are thousands of lifesized stone soldiers (with horses and chariots) each with different faces.  They're apparently there to guard an accient burial ground and have, we're told, been there for over 2000 years.  It was an amazing sight.

NOT our hostel.
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Our experience of China has turned us into people who shove old women, who would rather sit in a Starbucks all day than explore a new city and who, for one brief minute, actually asked each other if it was worth all the hassle.  What kind of country is this?

Hong Kong next...  it is still British isn't it?