Guangzhou

argh, i have started to write this part of my journal twice and got a fair way into it when the computer dies which is beginning to upset my chi somewhat. I think i may need acupunture to get over it.

Anyhow, apologies for the lack of emails. There hasnt been much opportunity to use a computer as Guangzhou doesnt have the usual internet cafes frequented by us foreign devils in comparison to say Yangshuo or somewhere more used to Western tourists.

I am staying with my cousin in his apartment for 2 and a half weeks until my flight to Bangkok to begin the next stage of my trip on the 8th or 9th of November (must check that!).

I arrived in Guangzhou the saturday before last and said goodbye to my tour people who were getting another train on to Hong Kong which is around 3 hours away from here. I havent seen my cousin for years and years so we have had a lot to catch up on over the past couple of weeks which has been really cool. On my first day Dave and I went for a wander around the area near his apartment and going to the supermarket. The supermarket is very exciting because it has french bread and Philidelphia cheese and Snickers Bars and Frosties however it does not have Branston Pickle or Salt and Vinegar crisps. In China they have invented the following crisp flavours:strawberry, green tea, spicy crab, lemon, shrimp, italian red meat (ie different to chinese dead dog) but not salt and vinegar because that would be revolting right?

Its now the 18th november and ive finally come up with a complex way of writing my journal without fear of crashing. im writing it into email format because now ive found a decent computer, it wont let me edit my journal entries for some reason best known to itself. anyway, finally gotaround to typing up guangzhou.lets hope this attempt isnt thwarted by the evil pc pixie that hates southern china and all online diraies that speak of it. argh so much catching up to do!

our first day was spent wandering around the supermarket opposite davids house in search of cheese and bacon and non sweet bread. the supermarkets in china are full of interesting and disgusting things both dead and alive. i dont think its likely that youll be able to wander into tesco metro and pick your dinner from a fish tank and take it wriggling home with you in a recycled carrier bag anytime soon.you can get everything from half a black pig head and all to fruit that smells of vomit but tastes yummy. In england we have nice civilised deli counters and bakeries and salad bars and in china they have the equvilent of which is a counter of hot plates displaying various different coloured chickens feet so that people who pop in on their lunch break have something to munch on with their dead fish or nibble on on the bus home from work. the meat and fish section smelt vile so i steered clear of that most of the time. chinese supermarkets are kind of like museums for dumb westerners i guess.

my favorite part of the supermarket is the toiletries section. heaven forbid you buy your

shampoo at the checkout with your food...oh no, that would mean less jobs for people. i wanted to buy a mascara so i picked it up off the shelf as you would in boots only to have it taken off me by a girl in a booth in front of the shelf. she wrote me

out a receipt for it and told me to give the receipt to the cashier who was about 5ft away in

another booth. so i walked to 3 steps to that girl and gave her my receipt and paid for my

mascara. second girl then walks 3 steps to first girl and gives her the receipt and first girl walks 3 steps to me and gives me the mascara. see how this works?... pure insanity. almost as great as being given a ticket by one bloke when i got off the buswhich was collected by a bloke standing next to him. hand it over yourself and cut out the middleman, or better still stop wasting money on pointless vocations and go do something usefull with yourselves for goodness sake!

It is davids fault that i know crave chinese dumplings. it has been almost 2 weeks since my last dumpling and it is getting easier as time goes on but i just cant beat the craving. we had noodles and dumplings in a little cafe around the corner from daves house and they cost 30p for a full meal. excellent when money got a tad on the tight side and starvation was looking more likely.

In the evening we went out to a couple of bars and a club and for hot pot at 3am. Hot Pot being literally a boiling pot heated by a gas canister in the middle of your table that you dump all your raw ingredients into and cook yourself. Makes a change to the english kebab.

The second day we spent doing nothing much. We went shopping with Davids friend gay Adam, an australian guy very reminiscent of Carson from Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, who needed to get a birthday present for a chinese boy called paul, and then we went for ice cream at dairy queen where they turn your ice cream upside down to prove its sticky.

several evening we just had a few drinks and stayed in watching the sopranos. ive managed to see the first 3 series while ive been away which is pretty good for someone who hates tv as much as i do and never has a clue what anyone is talking about when they discuss and theorise over shows. amazing what being totally skint does to you.

i met up with daves girlfriend (also called jess) after a few days and we went out for dinner with her and her friends and then on to a guiness promotional night which was exaxtly as weird as it sounds. yes, even china has guiness and yes it does taste even more like a tramp has wee'd in a bottle than the stuff you get in england however it was free and the bar made jimmys in bournemouth look shabby so cant really complain. the interiro was black and the walls and maybe even the floor was covered in mirrors and lights and they even gave you a life from the gate to the door but im not certain thats not just to give someone a job.

jess 2 and i went shopping a few times and even though i dont speak her language we still had a good laugh at the ugly bloke in the bank and that kind of thing and it was really nice to hang out with a girl again. i was lucky enough to have y first pick pocketing experience on that day too but fortunately got the most useless gang of theives in china who couldnt have made it more obvious they were trying to rob me if they had done a little dance and handed me a card saying dont turn around and please pretend you cant feel us opening your bag. no back handers were necessary but they got the death glare and disappeared sharpish.

in terms of the shopping, the two markets i visited were fab. at the clothes market i got a pair of converse trainers for less than 3 quid and a few other cheap bits and pieces, and i picked up lots of souveniers with adam, pat (the gayest chinese man in the world) and daves friend molly who looked after me on my last day in guangzhou.

i went over to the project that dave works at a few times over the 2 weeks.he works at amassive real estatearea outside the city. its full ofbig mansions with swimming pools and maids and little men on golf carts who drive you to the shopping mall. Im planning on finding an old rich chinese man to marry while im here so i can get one of the houses (i will be employing a nice pool boy called Long Wang as well...obviously) There are a few good looking men in china although they are very short and my idea of good looking and daves chinese girl mates idea of good looking are not the same thing.

As mentioned, everyone has a job because they have to but nobody does any work. In

the sales area of this project, which incidentally looks as though elton john has been

employed as their interior designer, there are 10 receptionists reading magazines, more

cleaners than i could count sweeping the totally clean floor, and about 30 sales staff just sitting around doing nothing.when i was in daves office writing emails the woman next to mewas reading a newspaper and a couple of people were asleep on their desks withanother bloke chatting to his mate on the phone. No Mark Allen role playing in this sales department, oh no.

impressively i still havent been ill since being away.I even managed to go to a seafood

restaurant where you pick your dinner live from a tank and they cook it for you. I ate raw

shrimp without beingsick even though it was fairly disgusting. I have been exerting my usual bad influence by teaching a group of daves chinese friends how to play english drinking games with cards and they have been teaching me the same with dice. i call it forging anglo-chinese relations and immersing myself in other cultures. It all got a bit messy by the end of the night and there was chasing of waiters and other naughtiness. i also managed to find the only straight boy in a gay club after the seafood restaurant so maybe raw shrimp are lucky or something. i did get a tip off from a thia lady boy (seriously) which helped a bit.

at halloween we had a bbq in dong guan where daves girlfriend lives. i have no idea how chinese people can eat nothing but meat and yet stay skinny as rakes and on my last evening molly invited us over for a bbq at hers which was very cicilised and a good laugh apart from the grilling from the security guard as to why were had a water cooler when we lef which we didnt have when we went in which made us miss our bus.

probably lots more to say however im late for dinner as usual so next entry will be thailand aand ill be in order at last!